


if it's a mess you're in (i'm in)

by celeste9



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Clothed Sex, Crushes, Cuddling & Snuggling, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, First Time, Loyalty, Movie: Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Movie: Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Trust, Wall Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-03-10 11:35:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13500946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celeste9/pseuds/celeste9
Summary: Kaydel knew what the proper answer would be but Poe was asking, 'do you trust me?'And there was only one answer.“Yes,” she said.





	if it's a mess you're in (i'm in)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ElanneH](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElanneH/gifts).



> For @poerosehux, who made me realize how into Kaydel/Poe I was, lol. The title is from Empires. I've run with the Resistance's apparently careless attitude towards officers attempting mutiny, and everything regarding events in TLJ was done from memory so apologies if I've misremembered anything. For anything referencing TFA, I went with a mix of the film and the novelization.

Kaydel didn’t have time for dating.

In the Resistance, there was constantly another crisis to weather, non-existent funds to scrape together, missions that needed to be overseen. Who had time to date when the fuel shipment was late, or when a new pilot had come in from the NRDF, or when one of their operatives went missing?

Not Kaydel, that was for sure.

Her mother said that she was always like this. There was always some excuse; a paper to write, an exam to study for. Her mother said it was an obvious defense mechanism and that _Kaydel, really, is that what you want out of your life? Always working and always alone?_

But Kaydel’s mother was flighty and she had never held a stable job. She moved through men like Jabba the Hutt had fed unlucky lifeforms to his rancor.

Kaydel was content with purpose, and the Resistance was purpose. The Resistance needed her. What did she need a boyfriend for when General Organa was asking her to put a briefing report together or to contact that dealer they’d bought their last X-wing from?

Her days were full and busy and she laughed plenty with the rest of the Resistance staff; if she collapsed at night into an empty bed, honestly, she was too tired to much care that it was empty.

-

Poe Dameron swept into the Resistance like a whirlwind, all breezy smiles and easy confidence. Most of the pilots already knew him, or at least knew of him; his skills in the air had given him something of a reputation, and his parents had fought for the Rebel Alliance. He had been personally selected by General Organa, who stepped in to save him from disciplinary action after disobeying orders and made him an offer he couldn’t turn down.

He had a good heart, and wanted to help; the Navy hadn’t been doing enough.

The Navy, Kaydel knew, hadn’t been doing much of anything, because the Senate refused to admit there was a problem. She wondered how many more would have to die before that changed.

Poe, Kaydel was fairly certain, would have to think in order to recall her name. He smiled at her in the corridors but he smiled at everyone, honestly. She was probably more a voice to him than anything, the faceless voice over the radio linking his communications when he was in the air. He would have to think to link her face to her name to her voice.

He was a flyboy, through and through. A reckless adrenaline junkie who thought himself invincible.

He was also incredibly easy to like.

Kaydel knew he didn’t actually know her, but he smiled at her whenever they crossed paths on D’Qar and he was friendly and teasing when she cleared him for take-offs and landings. He looked like he should be a holodrama actor, with his thick wavy hair and his handsome face, and it didn’t take long for the joke on base to become that Poe should do recruitment posters for the Resistance.

Yolo Ziff actually put together a mock-up and posted them all over the base, which Poe took in good humor. Kaydel thought it was a mark of restraint that she didn’t keep one.

(It was a really good poster.)

Mostly Kaydel liked listening to the stories after his missions, the crazy stunts he somehow managed to pull off, though she occasionally wondered where he would be without his droid backing him up, or Black Squadron. He was a genuinely amazing pilot but when he was on the ground he seemed to get by in large part on luck and sheer charismatic force of will – with a little help from his friends.

Poe believed he could do anything, and his track record suggested he could.

“He’s with Karé,” Pamich said while they sat in the mess eating lunch. “In secret.”

Kaydel rolled her eyes. “Snap’s dating Karé. It’s definitely not a secret.”

“Poe’s pining after her then,” Pamich said like it was a given. “She came all the way from the Navy with him.”

“So did Iolo. Is he pining after him too?”

“So who do you think he’s dating then?”

“Maybe he’s dating no one.”

“He’s as boring as you?”

“Being single isn’t boring.”

“It is when the other option is sex.” Pamich waggled her eyebrows purposely ridiculously so that Kaydel giggled.

“Who has time for sex?” Kaydel asked, only half serious, and Pamich gave her a put-upon expression.

“You’re killing me, Kaydel, damn.”

Poe came through the door with Jess Pava, his arm around her shoulders, and Kaydel said, “Gonna switch your story now? He’s into Jessika?”

“Absolutely not, he’s not her type.”

“You’re just saying that because you want to be Jess’ type.”

Pamich shrugged and didn’t deny it. “Who knows,” she said with an air of magnanimity. “Maybe Poe is single, and he’ll be into you. I know I wouldn’t turn down a chance to get my hands on that ass.”

“Stars,” Kaydel said, though she couldn’t help her laugh.

Poe passed their table and Kaydel’s gaze might have dropped lower than was polite. Pamich gave her a knowing look and Kaydel succumbed to a fit of giggles again. It was a good ass, admittedly.

Kaydel would be lying if she said thoughts of Poe never crossed her mind when she returned to her empty bed, but she was only a junior controller and Poe would probably have to think to remember her name, and Kaydel didn’t have time for dating anyway.

-

After Jakku, they all assumed Poe was dead.

Taken by Kylo Ren aboard General Hux’s star destroyer. There was no chance of rescuing him; the Resistance didn’t have the means. The First Order would probably interrogate him, and Kaydel had no illusions it would be pleasant.

It made something pinch in her chest, thinking of him, his wide smiles and his careless attitude towards danger, in binders in a cell, awaiting his execution.

She… she hoped it was quick.

Losing Poe meant a blow to their hopes of finding Luke Skywalker before the First Order did. Poe’s droid, his little orange BB unit, was missing. General Organa took that as a sign of hope, and Kaydel tried to believe her. She worked in the command center, monitoring the communication channels, waiting for someone in their network to have news of the droid. It was easier when she was busy to stop picturing Poe in binders, Poe with a blaster bolt through his head, Poe’s wide smile wiped away.

It was a droid in C-3PO’s network of informants that located BB-8, just before a coded message came in from Yavin 4.

Poe was alive, and he was on his way.

Kaydel bit her lip so she wouldn’t grin, schooling her face back into practiced calm.

He looked like a disaster when he arrived, filthy and exhausted with his face cut and bruised, but he smiled when he caught Kaydel’s eye anyway, just before he shut himself into the general’s office. His smile made Kaydel feel like everything was normal, everything would be fine. Poe could survive anything, and maybe they could, too.

Poe flew off to Takodana with the rest of their available fighters, as the First Order unleashed their new weapon upon the Hosnian system, destroying the capital of the New Republic. Kaydel watched the console in disbelief and dug her fingernails into her palms so she wouldn’t think about crying. There was no time for that, and no purpose to it.

On Takodana they found Poe’s droid, and the map it carried, and Han Solo. Poe came rushing in with an ex-stormtrooper, too, the man he credited with saving his life on the _Finalizer._ The stormtrooper was called Finn and he knew about the weapon, the weapon that had taken out an entire star system.

How easily the First Order could wipe out the Resistance, too.

But they didn’t.

-

There wasn’t any time for fear during the assault on Starkiller Base, and any nerves Kaydel might have had got pushed aside as she manned her station and kept Poe’s communication channels clear, kept him in constant contact with his fighters and with General Organa. It was the biggest altercation Kaydel had been a part of for the Resistance and she had to keep her head level and her emotions closed off as she watched starfighters wink out on her monitor, pilots shot down by the First Order.

She made herself think of them like toy models, abstract, so she wouldn’t think about beings she had had breakfast with in the mess reduced to debris above Starkiller Base.

“General, are you seeing this?” Kaydel asked, as Vober told them half the fleet had been destroyed and C-3PO estimated ten minutes until the weapon would reach its full charge.

It would take a miracle, C-3PO said. Couldn’t Poe Dameron pull off a miracle? Wasn’t that just what he did?

Except the starfighters weren’t getting through, weren’t having enough of an effect on the oscillator, and the TIEs kept coming. The weapon was charging and if the pilots failed, they would all be dead.

General Organa seemed to buckle for an instant, overcome, and she lowered herself into a chair. If even the general thought it was over…

“Their weapon will fire in two minutes,” Tabala said, and Kaydel pinched her nails into her palm as she watched her monitor.

How long, she wondered, would it take for the blast to reach D’Qar? How long after would it take for the pilots to realize the base was gone? Would they be able to take out the oscillator after? Would any of them make it away free?

And then Yolo’s voice crackled over the comms. “Black Leader, there’s a brand new hole in that oscillator. Looks like our friends got in.”

Kaydel felt hope rekindle in her chest as Poe said, “Red Four! Red Six! Cover us!”

It took mere moments for the image on Kaydel’s screen indicating Ello Asty’s X-wing to blink out, one more pilot lost, but the time for reflection and sorrow would come later.

“All teams, I’m going in,” Poe said. “Pull up and cover me!”

Miracles, Kaydel thought. Miracles were Poe’s specialty.

The time until the weapon would fire ticked down. They had seconds.

Poe let out a whoop of triumph and said, “All teams, nice job! General, the target has been destroyed!”

The command center erupted into cheers and Kaydel exhaled, face braking into a grin. She looked over at Pamich and thought their ridiculous smiles must match.

“Good work,” the general said, still unusually pale but steady again. “Now retreat immediately. The planet could be unstable; get out of there.”

Kaydel was surprised by the small argument that ensued, as Poe refused to leave while their friends were still on the ground, in spite of the general’s insistence that they needed to protect what remained of the fleet.

“General, with due respect,” he said, “we’re not leaving our friends behind. Teams, who’s with me?”

Snap immediately responded, “We’re all with you, Poe.”

Kaydel snuck a sideways glance at General Organa, who looked frustrated by Poe’s willful stubbornness. She made no attempt at further insistence, though, and in a few moments Poe said, “All teams, I got eyes on ‘em!”

No more starfighters disappeared on Kaydel’s monitors, and she focused on the sound of Poe’s tired, relieved voice saying, “Our job’s done here. Let’s go home.”

-

It wasn’t until Kaydel, surrounded by exhilarated pilots and staff, glanced over at the general embracing a young woman who must have been Finn’s scavenger, that Kaydel realized one member of the _Millennium Falcon_ ’s crew hadn’t returned.

Oh, stars. Han Solo.

No wonder the general looked so small and subdued.

Kaydel watched Pamich hug Jessika Pava and wondered when it would all end, when the galaxy would have peace.

-

Poe’s original mission to Jakku hadn’t gone exactly as intended, but with some help, they still managed to piece together the map that would bring them to Luke Skywalker. They all gathered on the tarmac to watch as the scavenger Rey took flight in the _Millennium Falcon_ with Chewbacca and R2-D2 to recover their last, best hope.

As the _Millennium Falcon_ winked out into hyperspace, Kaydel found herself faced with the general.

“Sir,” Kaydel murmured, as the staff around her began to disperse.

“I’m afraid we don’t stand much for ceremony here, but you’ve earned this, Kaydel.” General Organa pressed a small badge into Kaydel’s hand and Kaydel blinked at it.

It was a naval lieutenant’s rank badge.

“General, I…”

General Organa was smiling at her. “Your service during the attack on Starkiller was commendable. I’d like you to take on a bigger role in the Resistance, if you’re willing.”

“I am! Very willing. Thank you, General,” Kaydel said, and hoped that was enough because she wasn’t sure she could form any other words at the moment.

The general squeezed her shoulder lightly. “Go see if they’ve got a uniform that will fit you in the laundry, Lieutenant.”

No ceremony indeed, Kaydel thought, and went to see if there was anything in her size.

-

The First Order knew the location of the Resistance base now which made evacuation and relocation an immediate priority. Though the destruction of Starkiller Base had struck a great blow, the First Order had dealt the New Republic an even greater one with the attack on the Hosnian system.

Several of their most reliable pilots were sent out on scouting missions while the general and her trusted staff put together a plan to help cover the evac. Everyone knew it was only a matter of time before the First Order came in force to take them out; their best chance was to get out before that happened.

All the Resistance’s available heavy cruisers arrived in orbit above D’Qar to pick up personnel, including the _Raddus,_ the medical frigate _Anodyne_ , and Vice Admiral Holdo’s own _Ninka._ Kaydel admired the admiral and hoped when the danger was past she would be able to work more closely with her.

Kaydel, having played a role in organizing the evac on the ground, was on the last transport off D’Qar; it would be a terrible lie if she said her heart wasn’t in her throat and she hadn’t thought she might vomit at least twice during the experience. What mattered, though, was that they all got away, and they made it to hyperspeed before the First Order caught them.

She found out later that Poe’s attack on the dreadnought succeeded, to a certain definition of the word. The dreadnought was gone, but so was their entire bombing fleet and many of the starfighters. Poe had gone against the general’s command to finish it and honestly, Kaydel was hardly surprised.

Poe pulled off miracles, regardless of the danger, when he felt it was the right thing to do. He followed his instincts and he did what he believed in. It wasn’t the first time he had disobeyed an order, and Kaydel doubted it would be the last time.

Kaydel was on the bridge when the general demoted him.

-

She was not on the bridge when TIE fighters shot it up.

-

Vice Admiral Holdo had a skill for oration and Kaydel found her reassuring in the wake of the loss of Admiral Ackbar and General Organa’s injury. When she said they would survive, Kaydel believed her.

They had survived Starkiller Base, when it seemed like only a miracle would save them.

Kaydel wouldn’t easily forget the sight of the general through the viewport, pulling herself back to them like some sort of angel. She was still with them. They could survive this.

Out of the corner of her eye, Kaydel watched Poe confront the admiral, forward and pushy, angling for the attention General Organa would have given him. Or at least, what she may have done, before Poe endangered so many lives against her wishes.

As far as Kaydel knew, Vice Admiral Holdo had never met Poe Dameron, and she was unimpressed.

Poe left in a huff, and Kaydel assumed Holdo had declined to let him in on her plans. Kaydel simply kept her head down and applied herself to her own tasks.

-

“Lieutenant Connix,” an extremely recognizable voice called out as Kaydel turned a corner.

She paused and considered. So maybe Poe didn’t need to think to remember who she was after all. There was something heartening about that.

“Commander,” she said as she looked at him, and then winced. “Sorry. Captain. Sorry.”

All he did was stride towards her, nudging her into a doorway and watching to make sure they were alone. Kaydel tried not to think about how she might have entertained a fantasy like this a time or two before bed, resulting in distinctly more disheveled clothing rather quickly.

Force. Not the time.

“I need to get a shuttle out,” Poe said, voice low, eyes intense.

Kaydel blinked at him. “You what?”

“Finn,” he said. “He’s got a plan to take out their hyperspace tracker but he’s got to get off this ship.”

“Vice Admiral Holdo--”

“Do you trust me, Kaydel?”

Kaydel knew the proper response would be to insist that Vice Admiral Holdo was in charge in the general’s absence and that any plan Poe might have needed to meet with her approval first. Kaydel knew that she should be thinking about how General Organa had only hours ago demoted Poe for a failure to follow her orders, for a risky plan that got people killed.

But Poe was asking, _do you trust me?_

And there was only one answer.

“Yes,” she said.

He hesitated for just a second. “What I’m asking you for could get you--”

“I understand,” Kaydel interrupted. If she got caught, she could be demoted, tried, disciplined, tossed out. She understood the risks.

She also knew that if Poe didn’t believe this was a necessary course of action, he wouldn’t be asking.

And he was asking _her._

“Tell me what you need,” she said.

Poe nodded, short and quick. “I need you to cover the launch of their shuttle. Holdo can’t know.”

“I’ll do it,” Kaydel said, and Poe squeezed her wrist.

“Thank you, Kaydel.”

-

Kaydel’s heart was beating hard and fast in her chest as she manned her station on the bridge, watching the shuttle go, covering its path. When Vice Admiral Holdo’s sharp eyes caught sight through the viewport, the lie came easier than Kaydel had thought it would.

_Nothing, Admiral. Passing debris._

She was proud of how firm and sure her voice sounded. Her heart kept racing as Holdo accepted the lie and turned away.

Kaydel glanced out into the corridor, where Poe stepped out of the shadows. He met her gaze steadily and gave her a tiny nod. He held her eyes even as he walked off and Kaydel’s heart continued to thud in her chest.

She didn’t turn away until Poe’s slim frame disappeared from view.

-

Kaydel waited for Vice Admiral Holdo to do anything but run.

They all knew they couldn’t keep moving forever. With the First Order’s ability to track them even through hyperspace they would never be able to escape, and their fuel was severely limited. Kaydel knew Holdo’s reputation, and she knew that General Organa trusted her.

But Holdo was doing nothing, and they were dying.

Kaydel watched as the _Anodyne_ exploded in space, her captain still onboard. As Vice Admiral Holdo said “Steady on,” and continued to do nothing, Kaydel knew that someone had to do something.

In retrospect, she supposed, she shouldn’t have been surprised that the someone to put that something into motion was Poe Dameron.

“You’ll never make it through the night,” Poe was saying, and Kaydel could see him visibly calming, accepting the admiral at her word, even if she wouldn’t explain her intentions. If Poe thought this was okay, then maybe –

And then Poe saw the monitors, depicting the status of the transports as they were fueled up.

Kaydel had seen Poe exuberantly happy and she had seen him afraid; she had seen him concerned and confused and frustrated but she had never seen him truly angry.

Poe was _furious._

He shouted; he threw a chair; he called Vice Admiral Holdo a coward and a traitor. He said that she was giving up, that if they left on those transports they would all be killed.

“Get this man off my bridge,” Holdo commanded, her voice like ice, and Poe went.

The first moment she could sneak away unobserved, Kaydel went after him.

She didn’t know exactly what she meant to do; all she knew was that this felt wrong and she didn’t want to be a part of it. She believed that Vice Admiral Holdo was doing what she felt was best.

But Kaydel didn’t believe in Holdo or her plan.

She believed in Poe.

“Captain Dameron,” Kaydel said when she found him in the corridor, his hair mussed like he had been running his hands through it.

“Lieutenant Connix,” Poe said, and stood in front of her, holding her gaze. He looked assured of himself, as though he had made a decision he was determined to follow through on, but he also looked the tiniest bit worried, like he didn’t know if he could count on having all the pieces he needed. “I’ve just spoken to Finn. He needs time. He is our best option; if he can shut down the tracker… But he needs time. If Holdo won’t provide it…”

“I’m in,” Kaydel said, watching Poe’s expression morph from surprised amazement to his wide grin. “What do you need me to do?”

It wasn’t only for that smile that Kaydel said yes. It was for Commander Dameron, no matter what his official rank was now. It was for the man who always did what he believed in no matter what it took. If he thought this was the best course of action, that this was what would save them, then, well.

Kaydel was in.

-

There was a moment where Kaydel thought they might not have to go through with it. She thought maybe Poe could make Holdo understand; maybe she would agree –

But even Kaydel had to admit that Poe’s plan sounded risky and dangerous and unlikely to succeed. Kaydel trusted in the fact that Poe trusted in it more than she actually trusted in the plan itself. Holdo had no reason to trust Poe, so recently demoted for reckless heroism that resulted in loss of life, Poe who had so recently accused her of cowardice and treason. She had no reason to trust an ex-stormtrooper and a mechanic.

Holdo didn’t go for it.

They drew their blasters and seized command.

Kaydel ran with Poe to the bridge, where they locked themselves in while C-3PO fretted in the background. Poe was so sure, and he was in his element like this; a probably terrible, reckless plan that he nevertheless believed in.

Kaydel thought it might work. No one created miracles like Poe.

Someone was trying to break through the door; Finn and Rose were almost there. Kaydel’s heart beat wildly in her chest.

Poe was getting behind the captain’s chair with his blaster up, aimed at the door; voices were coming out of the comlink but Kaydel couldn’t make them out. She watched Poe’s face and knew it was bad.

Oh, kriff. It wasn’t going to work, it wasn’t –

“They didn’t make it,” Poe murmured to himself, colored with disbelief and fear, and then the door was open.

The figure that strode through was small, leaning on a cane.

“Leia,” Poe gasped, and lowered his blaster.

General Organa took in the scene, her eyes lingering on Poe.

She shot him in the chest.

Kaydel bit back a reflexive wince as Poe hit the wall with a resounding thud and slid to the floor, unconscious. Oh, Poe.

Kaydel redirected her gaze to the general and did the only thing she could.

She surrendered.

-

General Organa was disappointed.

Kaydel burned with shame.

She offered no defense for herself as the general took charge, continuing to implement Vice Admiral Holdo’s plan to escape. She waited for the general to have her arrested and held, but instead she was only asked to assist in getting everyone onto the transports.

“Yes, sir,” Kaydel said, and did her duty.

As she busied herself helping, Kaydel kept hearing Poe’s voice in her head, his anger, his fear, his certainty that boarding the transports would get them all killed. She told herself that if there were no chance, General Organa would never go along with it. This had to be right.

But Kaydel couldn’t stop herself from being afraid.

Pamich caught her eye as she boarded one of the transports; she offered Kaydel an encouraging sort of half-smile and Kaydel nodded at her. At least Pamich would understand, Kaydel thought. Pamich would understand why she had done it.

Pamich would also tease her relentlessly about doing it for Poe and his fantastic ass, but Kaydel could live with that.

She watched Poe’s still form being loaded onto a transport and rushed over. “Gently, please!” she directed as they bumped the edge of the gurney against the side of the ship.

Kaydel let herself stop just a moment by Poe’s side, where he lay so quiet and motionless. It was strange; Poe was so vibrantly alive, always moving, never staying still. Kaydel dragged her fingertips over the soft skin on the back of his hand.

“Kaydel,” General Organa said, and Kaydel looked up, straightening her posture.

“Sir,” she said, and fought to keep the flush out of her cheeks. She could be ashamed but she wouldn’t show it. She would do her duty.

“Come sit with me a moment, Kaydel,” General Organa said, directing her to walk with her to a bench in front of one of the viewports. She moved a bit slowly, aided by a cane, but everything about her was as sharp as it had always been.

Kaydel sat, spine perfectly straight, clasping her hands together. For a moment there was silence.

Then Kaydel blurted out, “I’m sorry, General.”

General Organa’s mouth twitched. “For what?”

Kaydel felt her mouth drop open. She closed it. “For… for…”

“Assisting Captain Dameron in his mutinous rebellion?”

“Yes,” Kaydel said, miserable. She should be in binders.

She would still make the same choice.

“Well, what’s a bit of mutiny among friends?”

Kaydel stared at the general again. She had been prepared to unpin her rank badge and hand it over.

General Organa was very nearly genuinely smiling now. “This isn’t my first rebellion, you’ll remember. I may have made rash decisions myself a time or two.”

“But--”

“What did you think was going to happen? If you followed the admiral, I mean.”

“I thought…” Kaydel swallowed. “The transports have no defenses.”

“You think the First Order will shoot us down, one by one.”

Kaydel couldn’t answer.

“They may,” the general said. “But if things go the way Amilyn planned, we will arrive safely at an old rebel base on the planet of Crait, where we can defend ourselves as we send for aid.”

“Crait?” Kaydel repeated, blinking.

General Organa gestured out the viewport.

Kaydel saw the planet, very near now. A base, where they could wait for help. General Organa had a plan, a real plan, and so had Vice Admiral Holdo. A plan a bit less reckless and doomed for failure than sending an ex-stormtrooper and a mechanic on a suicide mission into the heart of the First Order. A plan that could only work if the First Order wasn’t looking for them.

“Kriff,” Kaydel said, and General Organa laughed.

“Poe has many fine qualities, but he doesn’t always have the coolest of heads. I’m grateful for the loyalty he inspired in you, but sometimes the flashiest course of action isn’t the best one.”

That feeling of shame was still welling up in Kaydel’s insides. “I’m sorry I--”

“No, Kaydel,” General Organa said, placing her hand on Kaydel’s. “No apologies. Just learn, and be better. Poe will need people like you around him.”

“I understand, General,” Kaydel said, though she wasn’t sure that was entirely true.

She did understand that she was being offered another chance, and she wouldn’t squander it.

-

Everything after that, from the escape to Crait to fleeing on the _Millennium Falcon,_ seemed almost too quick to register beyond the moment. Poe regained consciousness and went to sit with the general, and Kaydel tried not to watch. The First Order found them and began firing, transports blowing up like nothing, like they weren’t filled with Kaydel’s friends and colleagues, with the last of the Resistance.

She stood at the viewport and watched Vice Admiral Holdo turn the _Raddus_ to flee. Kaydel felt like everything she had believed in was a lie, that Holdo, Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo, could leave them, could save herself when they were _dying_ –

“She’s running away,” Kaydel said, her heart plummeting. They were all going to die. The First Order would be left to rule the galaxy uncontested, and it was all over. She hoped her mother knew… her mother…

But Poe stood next to her and said, “No, she isn’t.”

Vice Admiral Holdo took her ship at lightspeed through Supreme Leader Snoke’s flagship, splitting it into pieces.

“Stars,” Kaydel breathed, and hoped that Amilyn Holdo had found peace.

She hoped that Holdo’s sacrifice would win them enough time to survive.

They found the old Rebellion bunker on Crait, a wasted planet, barren and dead. In one brief flare of joy, Finn and Rose found them, safe and unharmed, Poe’s droid with them. Poe’s relief and enthusiasm was charming, and Kaydel perhaps jealously wished for a second that he might one day look at her the way he looked at his little round astromech.

Kaydel sent out a distress call and a plea for aid to all of their allies, using General Organa’s personal code, and prayed that someone would be listening, that someone would answer.

The First Order forces arrived; Poe and the remainder of their pilots and soldiers went out to meet them. Kaydel could do little more in the old mine than continue monitoring their frequencies; she wished for the operations room on D’Qar and all their equipment, where she could have helped link Poe to his squads, where she could have been useful, where she could have had something to busy herself with to push through her stress and fear.

The Resistance took heavy losses that they could ill afford and in the end, they were unable to take out the First Order’s battering ram cannon. The First Order was coming.

And no one answered.

“The galaxy has lost all hope,” Leia said, weary and defeated like Kaydel had never seen her before.

Kaydel looked to Poe, eternally optimistic and hopeful Poe.

Poe said nothing.

Kaydel had been raised on the stories just as all children of her generation had been, stories of the heroes of the Rebellion, Princess Leia and Han Solo, and the Jedi, Luke Skywalker. Luke seemed more legend than man to her, and sending the girl Rey to find him had felt like their last best hope. Surely Luke Skywalker would come in their hour of need and save them, just as he had done before.

Luke Skywalker came, and he saved them.

They watched him as he walked out alone, to face the might of the First Order all on his own. He would die, surely, no one could survive, but then Poe was saying, _he’s buying us time,_ and Kaydel understood.

Just like Vice Admiral Holdo, Luke Skywalker was willing to sacrifice his own life so that the Resistance, so that all of them, could live on.

_We are the spark that will light the fire that will burn the First Order down,_ Poe said, and Kaydel believed him.

They had to live.

Poe had found his hope again, his eternal optimism, and when he led them through the mine, Kaydel followed. If he believed there was a way out, there had to be.

There was. It just took a new Jedi to clear it for them.

Kaydel walked out into the bright light of Crait behind Poe, watching the girl Rey levitate an entire tunnel’s worth of rocks in the air like it was nothing, like Kaydel might lift up her fork at dinner. It was honestly the most breathtaking sight Kaydel had witnessed in her entire life.

Finn ran forward and hugged Rey as the rocks settled back on the ground, leaving their path free. Kaydel looked at Poe, who offered her a crooked smile and said, “Come on. Our ride’s waiting.”

They left Crait and the First Order behind them.

-

The _Millennium Falcon_ was over-crowded and yet still felt horribly empty. So many lives lost, and maybe sometime soon Kaydel would have the luxury to cry for the friends she would never see again.

She found a spot in a corridor past the crew quarters where she could sit with her knees pulled up and remain relatively out of the way; she wasn’t sure how much socialization she could handle at the moment. It was hard even to be in her own head, after the events of the past few days, let alone try to sort out how to deal with everyone around her.

“Do you mind if I sit here?”

Kaydel looked up and saw Poe. She shook her head.

Poe slid down next to her, almost touching. “Sorry. I guess you were probably looking for some alone time.”

“It’s okay,” Kaydel told him. Weirdly Poe seemed all right; she thought she could handle him. He had been there with her through most of it anyway, and she felt like if anyone would understand what was going on in her head, it would be him.

“Haven’t been on this ship since I was a kid,” he offered. “Seems weird now. Missing her captain.”

More death, more loss, Kaydel thought. “You knew him?” Kaydel had only seen Han Solo in person briefly on D’Qar; otherwise he was just a story, a face in a holovid to her.

“A little. He knew my parents.” Poe shrugged. “I liked him.”

“So many beings are gone now. The general…” Kaydel bit her lip. She didn’t know what she wanted to say.

Poe took her hand where she had been loosely clasping her knees.

Kaydel squeezed it. She wanted to… Self-consciously she shifted faintly, and Poe scooted just a little closer, so their shoulders pressed together.

Kaydel breathed out, feeling the solid warmth of Poe’s body, and savored the comfort he offered as they sat in silence.

-

Kaydel had thought she wouldn’t be able to sleep; no privacy, no place to stretch out, her body exhausted but her mind unable to settle.

Instead, she woke up with her head on Poe’s shoulder and realized she had fallen asleep like that, leaning on him while they sat on the floor in the corridor.

“Hi,” Poe said softly, and smiled at her.

It made Kaydel’s heart skip a beat, that sweet, gentle smile, so close. Stars.

“Sorry,” she said, and pushed herself back.

“I didn’t mind,” Poe said, and he was still smiling. “You looked like you needed the sleep.”

“Don’t you?”

Poe shrugged. “I slept a little.”

“I guess we’re going to have to get used to this,” Kaydel said, as C-3PO bustled past, muttering something about no one listening to him. “Close quarters. Until we find somewhere.”

Nudging her shoulder with his, Poe said, “It’s not all bad.”

“How do you figure that?”

“I’m getting to sit here and talk to you, aren’t I? Never really had the opportunity before.”

Kaydel felt the most horrid urge to blush but squashed it.

A happy stream of binary preceded the appearance of BB-8 rolling towards them; Poe greeted his droid with enthusiasm and Kaydel privately agreed that no, it wasn’t all bad.

-

Wincing as a splash of hot liquid spilled on the back of her hand, Kaydel cleaned up her mess in the tiny galley onboard the _Falcon._ She risked a sip of caf, burned her tongue, and lamented the fact she needed the caf enough to drink it despite how awful it was.

She turned around and nearly bumped into Poe’s chest, barely avoiding dumping her hot caf all over him. “Oh! Sorry!”

Poe caught her by the shoulders. “My fault, should’ve announced myself. You made caf?”

“I’d offer you some but it’s horrible.”

“I’m game,” Poe said, and moved around her to pour himself what was left. He sipped, made an adorably disgusted face, and then smoothed it away to say, “No, it’s great. Thanks.”

Kaydel laughed and knocked her fist against the front of his shoulder. “You’re a liar, but thanks for the effort.”

“Honestly I could really use the boost, regardless of the taste.”

“Are you--” Kaydel started to say but then was interrupted by the sudden appearance of Finn and Rey.

“Poe!” Finn said as he burst in, then he caught sight of their mugs. “Is there caf?”

“Have mine,” Poe said, and shoved it at Finn.

Finn drained it with genuine gratitude; Kaydel and Poe exchanged amused glances that Finn failed to notice.

They all found their way into the crowded lounge area of the ship, where BB-8 rolled up to join them. Rey and Finn started a game of dejarik, which neither of them had quite mastered yet. Kaydel sat next to Poe, laughing and more content than she could remember being since D’Qar, and when he stretched his arm out along the back of the seat behind her shoulders she felt warmth spread all the way through her.

-

There really was nowhere to sleep. Kaydel wondered how long they would be stuck in this ship, no privacy and no comfort, living off scant rations. She knew that Poe knew a little more than she did, but when she asked all he said was, “The general is appealing to her friends and contacts. She’ll keep us safe; it just might take some time.”

“Will your pilots be able to find us? Snap, and Jess, and Karé, and Iolo?”

Poe seemed touched that she asked. “At this point I think they’re in better shape than we are. They’ll find us; don’t worry.”

There he was: eternally optimistic and hopeful Poe. Kaydel rested the back of her head against the wall.

“If you’re tired, I’m available for use as a pillow substitute.”

Kaydel looked at him askance.

Poe’s cheeks were a little red. “I only meant since it seemed to work before.”

“Can’t be comfortable for you.”

“Hey, I fly X-wings. Comfort is a relative term.”

Kaydel laughed a little and shifted; Poe took off his jacket and patted his thigh.

She laid her head down and Poe rested the jacket over her shoulders. “Thanks,” Kaydel said, and tried not to think about where exactly she was putting her face.

“Sweet dreams,” Poe said, and stroked his fingers lightly over Kaydel’s hair as she fell asleep.

-

Poe’s hand was lying on Kaydel’s head when she awoke, a gentle weight, her cheek against his thigh. She was a little stiff but oddly comfortable in spite of it. When she sat up, she noticed that Poe was still asleep, his chin dipped down. Kaydel smiled, and wondered what it would be like to wake up next to Poe all the time.

She shook that thought away, merely glad that she could count him as something like a friend.

Maybe more than that. She figured it was kind of a bonding experience when you conspire to commit mutiny with someone and pull blasters on your commanding officer with them.

“Hey,” Poe said, and Kaydel turned to look at him, blinking sleep from his eyes. “Morning.”

“Or what passes for morning,” Kaydel said. “I honestly have no idea how long we were asleep, or where in the galaxy we are.”

“If all goes well,” Poe said, low, like he didn’t want anyone else to hear, “we’ll be headed for Bespin.”

“Bespin?”

“General’s got a friend there. You might have heard of him.”

“Baron Calrissian,” Kaydel said as it dawned on her. He was only a story, too, and a face in a holovid, but he was a hell of a story. “He’s going to help us?”

“He’s putting some things in order first. He’s taking a risk, offering us haven. He needs to protect his people first. But Leia’s confident it will work.”

“I suppose we won’t be able to stay very long.”

“It’ll be enough. Just so we can find our feet.” Poe’s confidence made Kaydel feel confident, too, like everything would work out.

It was how he had made her feel on the _Raddus,_ too, up until it all blew up in their faces.

“Let’s go have a terrible breakfast,” Poe suggested, getting up to his feet and offering Kaydel his hand.

They found a couple of packets of protein bites and went to sit in the lounge, crammed in on the edge of the cushioned bench where Rey was sleeping, Finn on the floor leaning near her head.

Kaydel watched as Poe’s gaze drifted over to Rose, pale but sitting up, talking to C’ai. He said, “I’m glad they’re okay. They took a hell of a risk, and I should never have let them do it.”

“It was a good plan,” Kaydel said, though that wasn’t exactly true. It had been a solid idea, but not a good plan.

“My plans generally aren’t actually that good, let’s be honest.”

“True,” Kaydel agreed, and Poe tugged playfully at a strand of hair that had fallen out of one of her buns. “You have good follow-through on your poorly thought out plans, to be fair.”

Poe didn’t follow through on Kaydel’s gentle teasing. “I really fucked up,” he said.

It wasn’t the most ideal of circumstances for a heart-to-heart, but Kaydel was pretty sure that was what Poe needed anyway. “I think we all did.”

“I thought it was what the general would do.” He shook his head, full of a quiet, wry ruefulness. “Shows how much I know.”

“You were just doing what you thought was right.”

“Nearly got everyone killed. The First Order found out because of me, you know? Because I talked.”

“That wasn’t your fault. And if you’d known--”

“It doesn’t matter! I was stupid and reckless. The general was right to demote me. I got those beings killed,” he finished in a small voice.

“They believed in you, and they believed in what they were doing. Don’t belittle their choice.”

“They were following my orders.”

“Because they believed it was right. Just like you did.”

Poe looked away from her for a moment, his eyes up, like he was seeking the stars they couldn’t see through the metal of the _Falcon_. “I just wanted to fly starfighters. You know? That’s why I joined the Navy. To fly. That’s all. Help out a little. I never wanted… Leia wants me to be more, to lead, like she does. But that’s never what I wanted. I just thought… Focus on the mission. Get the job done. But sometimes the job is the whole war, and I didn’t know how to think like that. So beings died, and that’s on me.”

“It is on you,” Kaydel said, her fingers on his wrist. “But everyone in the Resistance is here because they want to be, and that includes everyone on that mission. They chose to be there, and they chose to fight, and they were heroes. Maybe if you hadn’t taken out that dreadnought, we all would have died before we made it to Crait. All we can do is our best, and I think the general knows, even when’s she angry, that you’re trying your best.”

“Just sometimes my best gets me slapped in the face,” Poe said wryly, and Kaydel laughed.

“Yeah, sometimes.”

He paused again, his expression so complicated. “I’ll never forget how she looked at me. Like I had let her down. She thought better of me, and I disappointed her.”

“You were a pilot,” Kaydel said. “She wanted you to be a leader.”

Kaydel understood; she had been ashamed, too, for disappointing the general. She hoped she never did it again, though she feared that was likely a vain hope. She was bound to make mistakes, and so was Poe.

“Learn, and be better,” Kaydel said. That was what she was going to do.

Poe was smiling. “Did the general tell you that?”

Kaydel smiled back. “She did.”

“She’s a smart woman.” Poe’s features faded back into seriousness. “I’m sorry I involved you. Asking you to cover for me when Finn and Rose left was bad enough, but turning on the admiral… I was out of line. I should never have asked you to do that for me.”

“If you hadn’t asked, I would have volunteered.”

Poe blinked at her. “What?”

“I made my decision, too. To do the right thing. I believed that what you were doing was the right thing.” Kaydel hesitated a second, and then said it. “I believed in you.”

“Me?”

“I know you don’t… you didn’t really know me, but I knew you. At least, I felt like I did. You were always pulling off some crazy stunt, some mission the general didn’t trust anyone but you to do, and I knew… I just… You do what you believe in, and what you think is right, and I know how good you are, how important the Resistance is to you. So when it felt like things were as bad as they could be, I trusted that you would fight to get us through it.”

“Kaydel,” Poe said, and his face looked strange, and Kaydel couldn’t do this anymore, kriff, she was so embarrassing, she couldn’t _believe –_

“I’m going to go see if there’s anything I can help with,” she muttered, and left Poe sitting there.

-

“I want to show you something,” Poe said later, pulling Kaydel aside from where she had been talking to Rey. “Is that okay? Are you busy?”

He looked nervous and excited, like a boy asking a girl on a date, and Kaydel hated that that was where her mind went. Maybe it had actually been too long since she’d been on a date with a boy, though she would never let her mother know that.

“Will I like it?” Kaydel asked, and Poe beamed at her, taking her hand to tug her along.

“Let’s find out,” he said, and Kaydel waved back at Rey before letting Poe lead her off.

He took her down the _Falcon_ ’s corridors until they found BB-8, waiting innocuously and beeping cheerfully as they came into view. “Hey buddy, you ready to stand guard?”

The droid responded in what Kaydel assumed was the affirmative as Poe smiled and knelt, levering up one of the floor panels.

Kaydel crouched beside him. “What is that?”

“Secret compartment,” Poe said with a grin, hopping down and then reaching up for Kaydel.

She let him help her in, catching her around the waist and setting her on her feet. It was cramped and dark, particularly when Poe nudged the panel back in place, but then he switched on a light on his datapad, setting it in a small notch in the side wall.

“Privacy,” Poe said, his smile wide.

“How did you know this was here?”

“Used to play here, when I was a kid. Ben and I used to--” He stopped and swallowed. “It’s for smuggling. I thought you might like to get away from everyone for a bit.”

Kaydel loved how enthusiastic Poe could get about a tiny, secret hole beneath the floor in a ship, and how genuinely pleased he seemed to be at the prospect of offering her some solitude. “Honestly it’s the nicest thing anyone’s done for me in a while,” she said, and watched Poe’s smile turn slightly gratified.

“I can leave, too, if you want, so you’re actually alone,” he said, and that was the moment Kaydel realized how close they were.

Poe hadn’t moved back after helping her in, and they stood in each others’ space in the tiny compartment. One of his hands had settled back on her waist and Kaydel could lean up and kiss him if she wanted.

She did want.

“You don’t have to,” she said, looking up into his face, his pretty dark eyes, his stubbled jaw. He still had a cut healing on his cheek that Kaydel thought must have been from his capture on the _Finalizer._

“Kaydel,” Poe said, and her heart beat faster, it was pounding so loudly, couldn’t he hear it?

She breathed in, then out, counting to three in her head. “Everything that’s happened,” she said, and wet her lips. “So much, since you went to Jakku. We almost died, so many times, and you… I didn’t think you even knew who I was, not really, but you trusted me, and I… Stars, I just need, I need something, I need to breathe, I need to feel…”

Kaydel broke off, frustrated, certain that Poe must think she was some crazy girl who couldn’t string two sentences together. She had been too busy for dating, sure, but also maybe a little too awkward. It was easier to sync up communication feeds than it was to try to express feelings to a boy, she was sure of it.

Except maybe that was enough for Poe because the hand that wasn’t on her waist was on her neck, his thumb rubbing over the hollow of her throat, and he was leaning down, saying, “Maybe just a little release? If you want.”

“I want,” Kaydel said. _Oh, kriff, I want,_ she thought, Poe’s breath on her lips, and he kissed her.

She looped her arms around his neck, fingers in his soft hair, and parted her lips, letting the kiss become deeper, more intense, Poe pressing against her. _I want, I want,_ she thought and levered her hands on his shoulders, pushing up.

Poe seemed to realize what she was doing, catching her as she jumped up, sliding his hands around her hips as she squeezed her legs around his waist. He dropped his hands down to her ass and moved forward, one step, two steps, and her back was against the wall.

Kaydel sighed and tried to get closer, closer, wanting him, blast, _wanting_ him. She felt everything that had pent up the past few days, all the stress, the fear, the anxiety, the loss, all of it was just melting away with the touch of Poe’s hands, with his lips on her skin, the drag of his mouth over her jaw. He ground his hips against her and Kaydel tried to find skin, tugging his shirt up and sliding her hands beneath to feel his lean back.

Her breasts pressed against his chest and she arched her neck, giving Poe access to her throat, letting him lick and nip up the line of it until he was kissing the underside of her chin. He hitched her up a little higher, bending down, pressing his face into her chest.

“Oh,” Kaydel sighed, and got one hand down to his ass, squeezing. She spared a thought for Pamich, whom Kaydel was sure would love to get some colorful details.

Then Kaydel remembered, _Pamich, no,_ and her breath hitched, and she was glad when Poe managed to get her belt unclasped, pushing the front of her uniform open to kiss her breasts.

“It’s okay,” Poe murmured into her skin. “It’s okay, I’ve got you,” and Kaydel didn’t know what he thought, if she was overwhelmed, if she was going to cry, if she was just really fucking turned on, but she felt this surge of affection for him, for how good he was, how genuinely caring.

She dragged her heel down over the back of his leg and held him tighter, fingernails scraping over what skin she could reach. He kissed her again, desperately, tasting her, and Kaydel breathed into it. She rolled her hips and felt him hard against her, and it wasn’t enough, fuck, it wasn’t enough. She _needed_ him, and there was too much clothing for that.

Kaydel pushed against him until her feet were back on the ground and as if he was catching on to what she wanted, Poe knelt immediately and yanked at the clasp of her pants, pulling them down just enough to press his face between her legs and breathe in. Kaydel whined and hoped this thing was soundproof, or at least that BB-8 was scaring everyone away from the corridor.

Yanking his hair, Kaydel felt Poe’s tongue curl against her through her underwear. She made a sound she truly hoped no one could hear but Poe and then he was standing again, giving her this pleased little grin, and he flipped her around until her cheek was pressed to the cool wall, somehow managing to keep her upright instead of tumbled down with her pants tangled around her knees. He leaned against her, his erection heavy against her skin, and tugged her underwear down.

A sound of fabric ruffling indicated Poe getting his own pants open and then he was leaning in, kissing her neck, her ear, his fingers gliding over the skin of her stomach and up to her breasts. “Kaydel,” he said.

Kaydel said, “Yes, yes, yes.”

He slid into her and Kaydel moaned. He hurried the pace, quick and hard, and Kaydel reached back until her fingers clenched around his thigh as he moved. She pushed back against him, urging him on, relishing the roughness, the way he felt inside her. His breath was hot at the back of her neck as he nipped at her skin and he fit one hand between her and the wall, his clever fingers on her.

She came gasping, and Poe followed not long after, choking back a groan so he wouldn’t be too loud. Kaydel sagged slightly, her hands against the wall, and Poe eased out of her. He kissed the backs of her thighs when he pulled her pants back up and Kaydel bit her lip on a smile.

She turned around to fix her clothing, watching Poe get back to his feet. He tucked himself into his pants and was almost bashful when he met her eyes.

“Sorry,” he said, adorably flustered. “I would’ve liked to take you somewhere nicer, and treat you a little better.”

Kaydel snorted laughter, and then Poe was laughing, too. “Are you actually apologizing for giving me an orgasm?” she said.

He chuckled again, sweeping his hand through his hair. “I’d like the opportunity to give you another, in more ideal circumstances, I guess is all I mean.”

“Somewhere your droid doesn’t have to keep guard?”

Poe’s smile was honestly Kaydel’s favorite thing, she was quickly realizing. “Yeah, somewhere like that. Maybe it could even be in a bed.”

“You spoil me,” Kaydel said with an exaggerated gasp. She stroked her fingertip down the center of his chest. “I enjoyed the wall, though,” she added, hoping she didn’t sound utterly ridiculous.

“We can mix it up,” Poe offered. “Once in a bed, next time against the wall.”

“Perfect,” Kaydel said, and went up on her toes, curling her hand behind Poe’s neck to tug him down so she could kiss him, soft and warm.

“I knew who you were,” Poe whispered against her mouth. “I thought you were cute.”

The Resistance had no base, nowhere to call home, and they had had no opportunity to mourn. Kaydel didn’t know what was going to happen but she did know one thing – it would be better with someone at her side to share it with, someone who understood.

Kaydel thought maybe she could find time for dating, after all.

**_End_ **


End file.
